"Am I worthless? Am I guilty? Am I too far gone for a remedy?"- Weashuman "Take the Bullets Away"
This isn't anything new (which is what worries me). I have always had these moments from my earliest childhood. The problem isn't the way I feel (or can't feel) during these bouts. It's where my mind goes, and some of the choices I've made in the past to get past it.
I call out to the Lord to deliver me from this mood, and try to focus on one of my stories. But, there doesn't seem to be any solace, and the words just won't come tonight.
Instead, I just sit here, reflecting on my failures as a husband, a father, a human being.
Part of me wants to believe I deserve this (and always has believed that). Like maybe this is my penance, not only for the crimes of the recent past, but for a lifetime of being me. Maybe this is my cross to bear (so to speak), a tortured, empty soul struggling for just one more day of existence, without fully knowing why.
The other part of me thinks that, perhaps this is the lure of Satan, trying to pull me back into my old, self destructive ways. Maybe, it's an excuse my personal demons are trying to use to somehow justify going back to how it used to be.
I don't know, and I don't care. I can't go back. I won't go back. I'm not that person anymore, no matter what the demons or anyone else may think. That side of me may not be dead yet, but he's locked away so deeply, he'll never return.
Lord, please release me from this darkness. Heal my bleeding soul, and return me to your light, because I can't do this alone... Amen.
To anyone reading this, goodnight and God Bless.
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