The Road to Damascus

First of all, let's understand that I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here (or anywhere else, for that matter). Just suffice it to say that, I'm no saint, and I've done some pretty monstrous things in my recent past. Things that cost me everything and everyone I held dear, until I had my "Road to Damascus" moment. (For those who may not know, the Road to Damascus moment, is a point in your life when you no longer have a choice, it's change or die.)

Now, a year and a half later, I'm in the process of rebuilding my life and my relationships with my family, my wife, my kids and my God.

I don't know when it all started exactly, or even why, but I do know that I was not always the monster I became. Despite the bullying and abuse I suffered as a child, I was always a good kid with a kind, sensitive heart. I believed in God and the inherent goodness of man with all my heart, and didn't let the darkness I endured get to me.

And then, one day I woke up to find my children barely knew who I was, and hated what they did know. I had an ex wife I never loved, and a current wife that could no longer stand me. I was a liar, a cheater, a thug and a coward. I was an "angry atheist" who not only denied the existence of God, but openly mocked and ridiculed those who believed. I didn't care who I hurt, and tried to excuse my attitude and behavior with how I was treated.

I had just been thrown out of my house with just the clothes on my back, and was living in the sleeper of my truck. My wife wasn't returning my calls, and even my own mother was barely speaking to me. To put it mildly, I had to look up to see rock bottom.

As I was driving a load to the Dallas/Fort Worth area and feeling sorry for myself, I seriously contemplated suicide. I was determined that, after I delivered my load and shut down for the night, that would be the end.

For some reason, my radio decided to crap out on me in that moment, and the only thing it would play was a Christian Rock station. (I had driven that route thousands of times, and knew the stations all along it by heart.) The first song I heard was "Not Gonna Die" by Skillet. The next was "Take the Bullets Away" by Weashuman (We As Human). Then came "Love Alone is Worth the Fight" by Switchfoot. Song after song, it seemed the radio was playing just for my benefit. And, each one was positive, uplifting and either about living, or fighting the evil in your life.

I was in tears when I finally delivered the load, and by the time I pulled into the truck stop for the night, I was emotionally drained and exhausted. I fell asleep, and dreamed of my grandfather (who died over a decade before).

In the dream he told me that I was not alone, that God still had a plan for me, and that the radio was my first sign, and there would be another very soon.

That's when I awoke to my cell phone ringing. It was my wife, wanting to talk things over.

You have to understand something about my wife, she's a very strong woman, who seldom gives second chances (especially when someone wrongs her as badly as I had). The very act of her calling me qualifies as nothing short of a miracle in and of itself.

From that time until now (a year and a half), I've dedicated myself to my God and my family, and I've worked hard to change. It hasn't been easy, and I still have a ways to go, but I'm not backing down or giving in. Some of my family, including my oldest son, will probably never forgive me for the man I used to be. But, I'm going to continue to do the best I can.

I don't claim that my story is proof of God's existence for anyone else (That's between you and Him). I just know what I went through, I know who was to blame (me), and who's the one that saved me (God).